Dear guy who just made my burrito:
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients from one end to the other, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO GET TO LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws to accommodate such methods. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.
And guess what else, player? You can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. You and I already know this tortilla was made to maintain its physical integrity for thirty seconds once touched.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
i literally can not breathe
feminists and sjw’s and beta white knight males troll, threaten and harass and dox a 12/13 year old boy (according to twitter and the guy who doxxed him) for saying that comedians have the right to make any joke they want even if its about rape.
one of the people involved is an employee of EA (lel what happened to the FCKH8 campaign lmao) and a mod at Something Awful.
What a fucking disease.
Someone should round those fuckers up and execute them in public. That’d make a damn fine spectacle.
kid handled it like a champ tho. Sad when a 12 year old is MUCH more mature than adults. If you don’t think rape jokes are funny, I’ll find one that will make you laugh
cutest dox ive seen
This is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.
Can’t tell if this is a dog or a fox
A Staten Island man died Thursday after police placed him in a chokehold as they attempted to arrest him for selling untaxed cigarettes.
According to authorities, Eric Garner, 43, went into cardiac arrest and died at Richmond University Medical Center following the arrest that was filmed by several witnesses.
In the video, Eric can be seen telling police that he had not been selling cigarettes, repeatedly saying, ” I didn’t sell anything,” before insisting, “I’m minding my own business, please leave me alone.”
After a standoff, five officers tackled the 400-pound asthmatic Eric — with one placing him in a chokehold – and wrestled him to the ground as they attempted to put handcuffs on him.
As Eric lay on the ground, with one officer pushing his head into the pavement, he can be heard saying, “I can’t breath. I can’t breath,” over and over.
As the video ends, Eric appears to be unconscious as police clear onlookers while waiting awaiting paramedics.
According to his family, Eric, a married father with six children and two grandchildren, suffered from asthma.
“When I kissed my husband this morning, I never thought it would be for the last time,” Eric’s wife, Esaw, told reporters.
Police stated that Eric has been arrested multiple times for selling untaxed cigarettes, and records show he was due in court in October on three charges, including pot possession and selling untaxed cigarettes.
Witnesses at the scene claim Eric was breaking up a fight when police arrived, with Eric’s family stating that he didn’t have any cigarettes on him or in his car at the time of his death.
“They’re covering their asses; he was breaking up a fight. They harassed and harassed my husband until they killed him,” Eric’s wife said.
Within hours after Eric’s arrest and death, residents in the area hung handwritten posters on telephone poles near the scene with phrases like “no justice, no peace” and “Another innocent black man has been killed by police brutality. The NYPD must be stopped!”
This is government. Taxes or death.